Soldier's Love Song

You're my hero
Soldier Saint and Soulmate
You're the strongest man
You hold the world and my heart in your hands
You keep me safe from an ocean away
Now I only wish that I could do the same


If you go who will save my soul
Who will be my friend
Who will I console?
If you go who will love me more
Who will wake me up
What will I live for
And if you rise
to heaven before your time
Ask God to speed up mine
Put me at the front of the line
Cause if you go I just don't know.


I'd never find another lover
even if I had to.
Cause I swear to God that I was made for you
Your body is a work of art
My pillow is your shoulder
And i love you oh i love you, i love you
I love you all over
Your the bravest man
Please stay alive for as long as you can.


If you go who will save my soul
Who will be my friend
Who will I console?
If you go who will love me more
Who will wake me up
What will I live for
And if you rise
to heaven before your time
Ask God to speed up mine
Put me at the front of the line
Cause if you go I just don't know.

Donut of Misery

We've got less than 2 and a half months left of this deployment. Time will eventually begin to drag on but right now it's still flying by. School and work has been keeping me very busy. Classes don't seem too bad... yet and I love my new job. The managers are great as are all the other servers I work with. PLUS the kitchen isn't full of a bunch of creepers :)

Two weekends ago I went to a Yellow Ribbon Event to prepare us for their homecoming. It was very overwhelming to say the least. Hearing stories from wives who have already gone through deployments kinda scared the crap out of me. Some said it took over a year to have things back to normal. I feel like Kyle and I are in such a different situation though... he's not coming home to a wife, children, and a house. I'm really nervous about him coming home and making sure I have time for him. This past year has been a routine of doing things on my own and being very independent. I'm a full-time student with a part-time job... I never had a job when Kyle was around. I don't plan on just quitting my job once he comes home nor does he expect me to. We have to learn how to juggle things in life because it's only going to get harder and more complicated.

I know that we'll be able to make everything work though. Luckily he has a 30 day leave when he first comes home. This will give him time to get adjusted to being home again and for us to spend time together. His leave falls right around my winter break which is perfect. I won't have to worry about studying for exams or going to classes. We plan on spending most of our time in Vermont with each other. Eventually reality will sink in and I'll have to go back to classes and he'll have to leave for various military schools but I'm not worried about it. We've made it through a whole year of not seeing each other... a few weeks will be a piece of cake.

9 months down!!

I've been a terrible blogger when it comes to updating. For awhile I was doing really well keeping updates and just venting about my issues. The last time I made a blog we were 4 months down of this deployment. As of today we are about 9 months... where did time go!? It feels like just yesterday I was holding onto him and crying at the going away ceremony, feeling like my whole world was crashing down on me. A few days ago I decided to read emails that I sent to Kyle right after he left. I was a complete mess, apologizing for every tear that I cried and promising him that I would be strong because at that moment, I was as weak as they get.

Today I can 100% say that I am a changed woman. I am stronger than ever and so much more independent. I don't rely on Kyle to always make me happy, I've realized that I have to make myself happy first. I still have my moments but I just get right back up, brush myself off and go along with my day. I've realized that crying isn't going to bring him home, it's only going to make things harder for us. I just have to accept what life has decided to hand us and enjoy the ride.

The main reason why this deployment has been a lot easier than I expected is because of Kyle. He has been extremely dedicated to this relationship while he's been over there. Everyday he is busy with some kind of mission or task but he still manages to get that phone call in right before he goes to bed just to hear my voice before he goes to bed. There was a period where I would only get a phone call every week but even then, I wasn't really struggling. I just try to keep myself as busy and involved as possible. It's really the only way to make time fly by.

Recently they were told that they are officially under the 100 day mark. New faces will be showing up taking their place and they'll have to start packing up and sending stuff home. I can't wait for the day that they don't have any more missions. Lately the missions have been the most dangerous ones yet and I just spend the day freaking out waiting for that phone call to know he's ok. Lately all I can think about is that moment that I see him again and that his arms are wrapped around me. We still got a few months left but I know that they are going to fly by.

In two months Kyle and I will have been together for 3 years. During our 2 year anniversary Kyle was away training for the deployment and by our 3 year anniversary he should be preparing to come home. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that we literally spent a whole year of our relationship away from each other but it really doesn't feel like that. Our relationship has grown to a whole nother level because of this deployment. We have never been more in love and appreciative of each other than now. He's still my mushy man even when he's a million miles away in a war zone. He still knows how to make me smile and laugh until I cry.

I'm ending my post with a picture of Kyle and his squad right after their biggest and most successful mission. He's the one in the back second from the left with the biggest grin ever on his face. Happy much? :)

Life As A Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

Update

I've been really bad at this whole "blog" thing lately. The past few weeks school has completely consumed my life. Every night I was either studying for an exam, writing a paper, or doing a project. Today I had my last exam until finals... which means 3 weeks of FREEDOM! Which will be spent working out, catching up on reading for my classes, studying ahead of time for finals, and watching Army Wives :)

This past weekend was my 21st birthday. I decided to go home because I knew it was the best way for me to really enjoy my birthday. I was able to spend it with my family at a NJ Devils playoff game and a night in Atlantic City drinking and gambling. I really did have such a great time. It was hard to not have Kyle there with me... every second I was thinking "Kyle would be having so much fun with us" but I just tried to stay positive.

We're already past 4 months of this deployment. It's hard to believe that 4 months ago they left... everything seemed like it was falling apart at that moment. I would have never imagined that it would have turned out like this. I have grown to become a much more independent person and I don't have to rely on Kyle to be the only thing to make me happy. I've gained some great friends and have been able to put more time into my school work. I've also been able to get back into my workout routine and lose some weight again before he comes.

Most importantly Kyle and I's relationship has grown so much. Our relationship is stronger than ever right now. This deployment has only made us feel even more confident that what we're doing... is the right thing for not only our country but for ourselves as well. I truly believe that we really are meant to be together and nothing will get in the way of that. He may be a million miles away but at the end of the day, he's with me every second of the way.

I am so proud of him for what he's doing right now. Every time I read more news about the VT National Guard making such a huge impact over there I feel so proud to be in love with one of those soldiers. I know he's going through a lot right now and has a lot on his shoulders. He rarely gets enough sleep, eats food that actually tastes good, or get to shower often but not once does he complain. Every time I talk to him he always sounds happy and to be enjoying himself over there. This really is what he loves to do and nothing will take away from that.

I miss you

"I hope you're able to fall asleep" -- Me
"I'll just pretend you're sleeping next to me, I do it all the time" -- Kyle

It's little things like that that make me miss him the most.

Life Is Good

It's been awhile since I've written a blog. Life has been pretty crazy lately but things are really good right now. Kyle is officially overseas so at first that was really hard to deal with and I shut myself off from others. He was able to buy a cell phone over there and he has been able to call me everyday now. He's been really busy with work over there but still has been able to call me before he goes to bed. I am so thankful of the technology that they have over there for them. Just hearing his voice brings so much ease to me and really makes my day so much better. At this point, I'm really happy during this deployment right now. This deployment has only impacted our relationship in a positive way. We are more in love than ever and couldn't be more excited for him to come home and start our life together.

Today I went to a yellow ribbon event for families and spouses of soldiers from Kyle's unit. It was to help with stress management and just to get to talk with others who are going through the same situation as us. It was really nice to hang around other military wives/girlfriends and just be able to talk about our emotions and issues with the deployment. It brought a lot of comfort to me to be around them and have them relate with me and support me. I'm really glad I went to the event and really hope I can get involved in FRG meetings and keep in contact with all of them. It's nice to have a little support group since I really don't have that here at school.

I miss him so much.

Everlasting Memories

I haven't written a post since I left to go see Kyle. It's still hard for me to talk about my visit to see him without getting upset. Everything about those 4 days together was so perfect. It really couldn't have been any better, I had such an amazing time with him. I just remember standing at the hotel doors waiting for his car to arrive and watching him run across the parking lot and into my arms. Once I was in his arms I just cried for 5 minutes straight... they were happy tears though!! It was so nice to have alone time and just lie in bed and cuddle. To just be able to kiss him and hug him... it was everything I could have asked for and more. I will remember these 4 days for the rest of my life.

Saying goodbye again was a lot harder this time around. I was fine until they announced that they would start boarding the flight... that's when I lost it. I just cried in his arms and kept holding his face in my hands and kissing him. I just couldn't bare to walk away from him again. After getting onto the plane I cried for a really long time... everyone around me thought I was nuts. Then the guy sitting behind me tapped my shoulder and asked if that was my boyfriend and told me that it broke his heart to see us say goodbye. I still get choked up talking about us saying goodbye... it's burnt a permanent image in my mind.

The Day Has Come!!!

I cannot believe the day is here... I get to be with my soldier again!! It has been quite a journey with canceled flights, a 5 hour bus ride, and camping out in the airport since midnight but every second is worth it. I am extremely determined to see my man... I will do whatever it takes. I have been counting down the days for which seems like forever... it all feels so surreal right now. I could cry at any second because I'm so unbelievably happy that I get to be in his arms again. Life is amazing right now and nothing can bring me down! :)

Appreciation

I wish some people could put themselves in my shoes for one day. To know what it feels like to go months without seeing their loved one. To not be able to kiss them or just touch them. To worry that you're going to forget what they look like because you haven't seen their face for months. It makes me so angry to see people be so ungrateful of their relationship and take advantage of it. They have no idea how lucky they really are and they never will realize it. I believe that this deployment really has made me appreciate our relationship so much more. The fact that we can keep it going for a year without physical contact... that takes strength. I know that if our relationship makes it through this, we can make it through anything. I honestly feel lucky to be put into this situation because it has allowed us to get to know each other from the inside out. There's nothing to hide... all our emotions are laid out there in front of us. I may feel vulnerable at times but I wouldn't change it for the world. The moment Kyle walked onto that plane I knew our relationship just went to a whole nother level. To make a commitment to wait a year for him to come home and give him support and strength to keep him going... that's love right there.

9 Days Left

I've been slacking in the whole "writing in my blog" aspect of my life. Things have been a little hectic around here. Wednesday night I got a severe stomach virus and had to skip classes and an exam Thursday. I spent most of Thursday at the walk-in center at the hospital... not what I consider as fun that's for sure. By Friday I seemed to have recovered pretty well. Spent Friday night with some friends and then took the train Saturday morning to my Vermont house to meet up with the family. I was not going to spend Valentine's day alone or let it screw with my head and get me upset. It was really nice to see the family and spend time with them.

While helping my Dad move Christmas stuff into the attic of our outside garage/shed I broke down some. I know you must be thinking.... um christmas stuff made you cry? Well Kyle's Jeep is parked in that garage so when I saw it my heart raced some because usually when I see it, it means Kyle is here. I just stood next to it and stared inside the window and just cried. It's really hard to look at it and not have Kyle there next to me.

Sunday my little sister, her friend, and I went to go see the Valentine's day movie. I thought it was really cute and left me a little teary eyed. I was determined to not let Valentine's day make me sad but that movie ruined that determination. I allowed it to screw with my head which caused Kyle and I to get into a stupid fight because I was being needy. We worked through it and by the end of the night everything was fine. I hate when I do that... I'm definitely getting better but I guess sometimes I have my moments.

Just yesterday me and the other 3 girls signed the lease for the house were renting next year. I am so excited to live off campus with these girls next year! I really think that we're gonna get along so well and have so much fun living together.

As for Kyle... he's been extremely busy with training since they head overseas really soon. I still get my nightly phone call... sometimes at 1am but I don't mind. I'm just happy to hear his voice... it really does make everything better. I leave in 9 days to go visit him, it's all I think about 24/7. I can't even put into words how excited I am. It's going to be the most amazing three days ever :)

BTW once in awhile I hear from my friends that they think I'm always sad because of my blog or my facebook statuses. I just want to set things straight... I'm really not THAT sad. Yes I miss Kyle and I talk about how much I miss him and how I cry about missing him but that doesn't mean it's a constant 24/7 thing. I'm not happy that he's gone but I go on with my life and am getting through it just fine. I don't sit around and just wait for him to come home. If anything I feel like I've become so much stronger because of this. I'm sick of this whole "pity party" and sympathy crap... I couldn't be more proud of Kyle and happy that he gets to do what he loves. If anything, the Army has turned him into the man I love today and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Acceptance

I have still yet to accept that my Grandmother is gone. I haven't even accepted that my Grandpa has passed away and that was more than 2 years ago. I was just so close to both of them... their love for their grandchildren didn't have any limits, they really did love us unconditionally.

Every time I think about my Grandpa I just keep thinking about how badly I wish Kyle could have met him. They both would have gotten along so well and he would have been so happy and proud of me. He wanted nothing more than to see me be happy. I see a lot of my Grandpa in Kyle... I know it may sound weird but he reminds me a lot of him. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I feel so comfortable around him.

As for my Grandmother... there were so many things I still wanted to talk to her about. She understood what I was going through with Kyle's deployment and gave me some of the best advice I have ever heard. She knew how much I really do love Kyle and how amazing of a guy he is. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me because I never got a chance to say goodbye to her. Everyone got to visit her in the hospital after her surgery while I was stuck at school. If I knew this was going to happen I would have been home in a heartbeat. I know I can't be angry at myself but I feel like I deserved that last goodbye. That women was a true inspiration to all of us... I'm going to miss her more than I can ever describe. I've never accept that either of them are gone... but I know they're looking over all of us and smiling down at us. Love you Grammy and Grampy

Much Needed

It's been a few days since I've posted so I have a few things to talk about. First thing let's talk about my exam Thursday. For some reason Wednesday night I hit my breaking point and basically cried about everything going wrong in my life. I was just so overwhelmed with my Grandmom passing away (still hasn't actually sunk in), missing two days of classes and catching up in work, having to study for my huge exam, and then of course Kyle being gone. To top it off Kyle left to go to another state for more training which means no more texts during the days, no nightly webcam chats, and only a 10 minute phone call at night (which is better than nothing I guess). I was able to call him though since they were on a bus for 20 hours... I felt so bad crying to him. I hate making him feel even worse than he already does but he's really the only person I would want to go to when I'm upset. He's my support system here at school and now I really don't have anyone.

Friday night I saw Dear John. It wasn't what I expected... I only cried once! They changed a lot of little details from the book which definitely bothered me. All in all it was definitely a good movie. I think a lot of people were disappointed in the ending but I already knew what was going to happen. It kinda annoys me how many girls want to see the movie yet I'm sure a lot of them don't even support the war. At least now they can see that this isn't a fairytale relationship and it most definitely is not easy. It did make me feel really lucky to be in love with my soldier. First thing I did when I got out of the theater was call Kyle and tell him how much I missed him. That movie definitely made me miss him even more.

I spent the rest of the weekend just catching up on homework. I had a lot of reading and notes to go through. I did end up meeting a girl who's boyfriend is currently in Iraq. She's a friend of my roommate. We got coffee Sunday and just talked all about our soldiers... it was so nice to finally meet someone here at school that can relate with me. I have a lot of military ladies that I text or call but it just isn't the same. I feel really relieved that I can talk to her and she can relate.

I haven't heard from Kyle much since they moved fobs and went to a different state. They have been training a lot lately and are getting things ready to head overseas. I can't say when they'll leave but the date is definitely getting sooner and sooner as the days go by. I'm a little upset today because of a few things and all I really want to do is talk to Kyle and I can't. I really miss being able to call him whenever I want and having him come visit me for the night to cheer me up. I really would do anything to just see him in person and just hug and kiss him... even if it lasted for 5 minutes. I miss him more and more as the days go by :(

Finally some good news!!

I have finally gotten the good news that I have been asking for! Kyle and the other boys have been given a three day pass for family to come visit them before they head overseas. It was just a rumor at first but things have been made official. I can't even put into words how excited I am to see him. I really need this right now with everything that's going on in my life. I have my flights booked and the hotel room reserved to go see him! I think that not only do I need this right now but so does Kyle and all the other guys. This has already given them such a morale boost and they can't wait to get this month over with so we can go visit them. I feel so lucky to be given this opportunity because I know most deployed soldiers don't get this. I remember Kyle telling me how I can take this deployment in stages, where I'd see him in 3 months, then 6, etc. I had high hopes that it was going to be that case but it seemed like the next time I'd see him would be at least 6 months later when he comes home for R&R. I guess I just need to be more hopeful that things aren't always going to go bad for me and that the world isn't out to get me. My countdown has begun and nothing can take away this feeling of happiness. I cannot wait to see him and just jump into his arms and kiss him. That's all I can think about... the moment I see him again and how amazing every second of it will be.

Rest In Peace

This morning I recieved a call from my mother at about 4:30am. My first thoughts were "why is my mom calling me?" and then it hit me... something was wrong with my Grandmom. The first thing I said when I picked up the phone was "Please don't tell me Grandmom died"... unfortunately my worst fears have come true. It took all of us by surprise because she was recovering well from her surgery. Her intestines were twisted inside and so they had to go in and remove some of it. My mom kept telling me that she was doing better but I guess her heart just gave out this morning. I wish more than anything that I could have visited her while she was in the hospital and said goodbye. It's so hard being stuck at school 7 hours away from my family. This morning everyone went to the hospital to mourn together and I was stuck crying in my empty dorm hallway by myself without anyone to comfort me. My first instinct was to call Kyle because he's always the first person I go too. Luckily he was able to pick up the phone and I cried to him about what happened. I wanted nothing more then Kyle to be right next to me holding me while I cry. I need a hug from him so badly :( I feel really bad because my Grandmom loved Kyle so much and I know that he wishes he could come home to pay respects to her. I will be flying home tomorrow night to be with my family all weekend and then come back Tuesday night. I'm not looking forward to how hectic it will be when I come back because I know I'll have a lot to cover from missing two days of classes.

I want to dedicate this blog to my Grandmom. She was the most amazing person I've ever known and was such a strong women. She's been through so much but always managed to stay strong. She was the only person that understood what I was going through with Kyle being deployed. My Grandfather was a colonel in the air force so my Grandmom lived the military wife lifestyle. She couldn't have been happier that I fell in love with a soldier. I know my Grandfather would have been so proud of me too, unfortunately he passed away right when Kyle and I began to date so he never got a chance to meet him. Both of my grandparents were two amazing people who I will never forget. They dedicated their later years of life to their grandchildren and wanted nothing more than for us to be happy. I'm lucky to have been loved by them. Rest in peace Grandmom, you'll be missed more than I can describe. Say hi to Grandpa for me <3

Get Back Up Again

Lately things have been ok for me. So far classes are going good and I'm keeping up with all my homework (actually doing the reading for once). I make time to go to the gym every night and then make sure to get a salad and yogurt for dinner. I've been drinking a TON of water as well. I'm really trying to stick to eating healthy and finally losing the rest of the weight. I want Kyle to come home and be amazed at how good I look :) He loves me the way that I am right now but I know if I lost some more weight I'd feel even better about myself and more comfortable with my body.

I decided to give in and finally read Dear John. It wasn't what I expected which is a good thing. I was worried that I'd be crying the whole time I read it but I only cried once; when she said goodbye to him at the airport. That totally hit home and brought back the images of saying goodbye to Kyle and leaving the airport by myself and going back to the hotel all alone. I'm hoping to muster up enough guts to go see the movie... it might take me a LONG time until I give in to that.

As for Kyle and I, we've been doing really great. Kyle has opened up to me some more since he's been gone and has been showing his emotions more. Everyday I get at least one really sweet text message from him and I save it on my phone. I plan on typing up all his text messages and saving them on my computer because whenever I read them all my worries go away. I have my up and down moments about missing him but they come and go. I'll allow myself to cry but then I realize that I need to be strong so I brush myself off and get back up again.

New Semester

So spring semester has officially begun at school. So far it doesn't seem that bad. Classes will definitely be somewhat easier this time around and I'm feeling really positive that I'll be able to bring up my GPA even higher. I'm beginning to get back into the routine of things. It's hard not having Kyle as part of that routine anymore since he's been part of it since the beginning of my freshman year. I decided to be "adventorous" today and headed downtown to apply for a job and read "Dear John". I grabbed lunch at Kyle and I's favorite sandwich place and read my book at our favorite coffee place. I hate to admit it but I cried at both places. I'm not used to going to these places alone and they remind me of him so much. It felt like he was right there next to me but when I look to my left or right... he's gone. It's hard filling that void in my life because nothing can replace him. I know it'll get easier but at this current moment everything seems hopeless. Kyle is currently on a training mission so I don't hear from him much during the day and we don't get our nightly webcam sessions. Every day that passes is one day closer to him leaving for Afghanistan. In less than a month and a half he'll be over there. Then all ties of communication will be completely cutoff and I will go weeks, even months without hearing from him. It scares me to think how I'm going to handle not hearing from him everyday. I need to know that he's safe and that he's doing ok. I hate feeling so vulnerable...

Learning Process

I feel like this deployment has been a whole learning process for Kyle and I. There's no manual on how to do this and there's no right things to say and what to do. I feel like sometimes I dig myself a hole with what I say to Kyle and only make things worse. I know he understands and that I just need time to figure out how to cope with all of this. I'm learning from my mistakes and allowing myself to become stronger. I know that our relationship will make it through the next 12 months. Some days are going to be tough and we're going to have our rough patches but the love we have for each other will keep us going. I'm sick of writing depressing blogs about how much I miss him... I'm going to be stronger. I need to... I HAVE to, I really have no choice. Getting upset everyday won't bring him home, I need to make the best of the next 12 months. I'm going to keep myself busy, bring up my grades, work out and lose the rest of the weight that I've been trying so hard to, get a weekend job, and actually reach out to friends for once. I hate to admit it but this relationship has taken away from me making friends while at school. Once I met Kyle after only being at college for 2 months I just latched onto him and didn't allow myself to make friends and have the true college experience. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier that I met Kyle and wouldn't want it any other way but I know that I would enjoy my college experience a lot more and not dread coming back to school if I had more friends here. I met my closest friends through class and only really hang out with them when we're studying together... it needs to change. I know it's going to take time to allow myself to reach out to others but I know it needs to be done. I don't want to graduate from college regretting that I never made took advantage of this time apart from Kyle.

Staying Positive

It's so hard to stay positive when the only updates I get about his deployment make me feel even worse! I can't go into detail because of OPSEC but things definitely don't look good right now. Communication between us will be at it's bare minimum... that's for sure. I'm hoping they'll be safe over there but from what it sounds like, things could get scary. At least he's excited about his mission, that brings relief to me that he's not going to be bored out of his mind while he's over there. I'm happy that they aren't leaving yet because I still get to call him and webcam with him but I kinda wish they were already there so I wouldn't have to wait to find out what's going to happen. It makes me worry so much and I know I shouldn't think about the future but when it's about this, it's impossible to not worry. I am extremely jealous of every military girlfriend or wife out there that got to talk to their soldier online or on the phone while they were gone... even webcam with them. I had my hopes up pretty high that I'd have that too so it made things seem not as bad. Now it's all been taken away from me and I feel like I have nothing positive to think about. I want good news... I'm so sick of hearing bad news!!

Love Hurts

As the days pass I feel like this is getting easier... until we webcam and I see his face and know that he can't be here next to me. It kills me so much, I want to grab him and kiss him and fall asleep next to him. But I can't because he's a hundred miles away and will be for a year. I hate this so much. I want to turn back time and pretend he never left. It's so unfair, I finally find someone that I love and loves me back and I can't be with him. I'm angry and I know I shouldn't be... I should just be proud and strong for him but it isn't that easy. I just want to close my eyes and wake up to him next to me... I'd do anything for him to be back. I need him so badly.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Lately I haven't allowed myself to cry over Kyle being gone. I worry that if I do break it's going to cause a downward spiral that will take a week to recover from. I'm saving the tears for when I go back to school. This deployment is going to test my emotions the most once I get back to school. Usually when I go back to school I'm either in the car with Kyle or he meets me at my school once we're all unpack. For the first time I'm not going to get either of those choices. My parents will drop me off and I will be left there without looking forward to seeing the man I love. I remember freshman year, before I met Kyle, I was miserable, I cried almost every night because I missed my family and had nothing to like about school. Once I met Kyle everything changed, he made it worth staying. Now that he's gone I know I'm not going to want to stay at school, I'm going to want to quit everything and run home. Unfortunately I don't have that option, I have to suck it up and deal with the semester alone. I plan to focus more on my classes, workout ALOT, and get a job during the weekends to fill the void of not being with Kyle. It's going to be hard not spending every weekend with him, not calling him when I'm having a bad day and have him come over to cheer me up, and to not go to Norwich anymore where I feel at home. I'm petrified to go back to school and face everything on my own without his support to keep me going. This deployment is going to test me and our relationship in so many different ways. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions that I'll be riding for the next year.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

I think it's funny how I know exactly who is reading my blog and they obviously know what I'm going through yet they don't have the decency to send even a little text asking how I'm doing. This deployment has already made me realize who my true friends really are. I know that even if I wasn't close to someone anymore and they were going through what I'm currently going through I would definitely be there for them. I might not call them and hang out with them but I'd offer my support. I say this SO many times and I'll say it again, I DON'T want a pity party... I just want people to actually give a shit for once in my life. What I'm going through is the hardest thing I've ever done and it would be a lot easier if people just cared a little. I feel like I wasted the past 20 years of my life on people who don't even matter anymore. I allowed my friends to walk all over me and yet when they needed someone and came to me I'd always be there for them. For those friends out there who are reading this and have yet to reach out to me... screw you. I know who my true friends are now and you're not one of them.

You're Not Alone

Sometimes I feel like I might miss Kyle more than he misses me because he puts up a front when it comes to being gone. When I asked him "Will you be ok not seeing me for almost a year?" he replied "Yes, I'll be fine. It'll be hard but I'll be fine". I'm not going to lie, it crushed me a little to hear how easy it sounded to be away from me. We got into a fight about two weeks ago because I told him that I feel like he isn't as much of a "mush" anymore these past few months and that he's slowly been drifting away. I know I was being selfish because it's much easier for him to leave and go off to war without thinking about how much he's going to miss me. It's easier for him to put up a front and be the tough guy because it'll help him in the end. I know he'll miss me... even if he doesn't tell me everyday.

Last night something happened that really opened up my eyes. Kyle called before he went to bed at about 11:15pm which we do every night. We talked until about 11:45pm and then we both got off the phone and got ready for bed. At 12:20am Kyle called me again and I automatically went into panic mode thinking something happened. I asked him what's wrong and he just told me that he couldn't sleep. I could hear it in his voice that something wasn't right. I asked him why he sounded so sad and he told me that he just really misses me and wants to be with me. He wanted to stay on the phone until he fell asleep because talking to me brings comfort to him. I almost broke down into tears because I was so touched by this. I know it's not a big deal but it meant a lot for him to open up like that and tell me how much it hurts him to be away from me. It made me realize that I'm not alone in this and that he misses me just as much. I can't give in and break down because I miss him because he's staying strong while going through the same thing... it's even worse for him because of the situation he's in. I feel like each and everyday that passes of this deployment it gets easier and our love grows even more.

Why now?

I feel like everything is going wrong for me right now. I come home and all I want to do is hang out with my friends and family and my stupid car won't work. Something is either wrong with the battery or alternator and my Dad wants me to get new front tires as well as new brake pads. I love my car but I can't afford to dish out a lot of money right now. I don't work during school so I don't have a constant income. Plus everyone is either at work or school so I'm home alone in this house. My parents give me chores because they expect me to have no life so even if I did want to go out I can't because I have to get everything done for them. I just want to enjoy my break but instead I'm ready to go back to school and get the hell away from all of this. If Kyle was home I'd be spending my break with him and enjoying every second of it. Why does everything have to go wrong... why now?

Left My Heart in Vermont

So today my family and I left our Vermont house to go back home to New Jersey. This may sound really weird but I was so upset to leave Vermont. I spent my last week with Kyle in Vermont at that house so there's a lot of things that remind me of him there. His jeep is even parked in our garage. Every time I see that jeep I get excited because it means that Kyle is around. He even left me his favorite sweatshirt that he wears as his jacket... I will not wash it until he comes home so I can still smell him.

I got really emotional on the car ride home but hid my tears from my parents. I didn't want to explain to them why I'm crying because they expect me to get over Kyle leaving very fast. That I should be able to go on with my daily life and not let it affect me at all. I have to hide how I'm really feeling because I know that if they see me upset they will dislike Kyle being in the Army even more.

I hide my feelings from almost everyone because I can't bare to talk about it because no one understands. None of my friends know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone in the military and how loving someone can be so painful at times. How it feels to have to say goodbye to the person you love more than anything and not know when you'll be seeing them again and whether they will be safe. It's the fear of the unknown that makes things so much worse.

Luckily I do have a few military girlfriends that I've met via the internet and some from Kyle's unit that I am able to talk to. It is the biggest relief in the world to be able to relate to someone and have them know exactly what it's like. I can vent to them about how I am feeling and they are able to give me advice that really does help. Talking to someone who is going through or went through what I'm currently dealing with makes things so much easier. I couldn't tell those ladies enough how much I appreciate them for supporting me and helping me through this. I feel much less alone when I have them to talk to.

Final Goodbyes

This morning Kyle and I said goodbye for the final time. Kyle was given holiday leave and we were able to spend about a week together one last time. I had such an amazing time with him and couldn't be happier with how it turned out. We spent most of our time with my family at our Vermont house but spent the last night in a hotel so we could be alone. Last night couldn't have gone any better, it really was perfect. We ended up not going to bed because we had to leave for the airport at 4:30am. I don't think I could bring myself to go to sleep anyways when I want to spend every second awake with him. Surprisingly the airport was PACKED but I was able to get a guest pass and go through security to say goodbye to him at the gate. It broke my heart knowing that this would be the last time I'd be in his arms for at least 6 months. Watching him leave felt like we had just broken up because of how much it hurt to say goodbye. I left the airport and went back to the hotel and slept until I had to catch my train back to my Vermont house. It was really hard to go back to the hotel room that we spent all night in and sleep in the same bed. I could still smell him as if he was sleeping next to me.