Rest In Peace

This morning I recieved a call from my mother at about 4:30am. My first thoughts were "why is my mom calling me?" and then it hit me... something was wrong with my Grandmom. The first thing I said when I picked up the phone was "Please don't tell me Grandmom died"... unfortunately my worst fears have come true. It took all of us by surprise because she was recovering well from her surgery. Her intestines were twisted inside and so they had to go in and remove some of it. My mom kept telling me that she was doing better but I guess her heart just gave out this morning. I wish more than anything that I could have visited her while she was in the hospital and said goodbye. It's so hard being stuck at school 7 hours away from my family. This morning everyone went to the hospital to mourn together and I was stuck crying in my empty dorm hallway by myself without anyone to comfort me. My first instinct was to call Kyle because he's always the first person I go too. Luckily he was able to pick up the phone and I cried to him about what happened. I wanted nothing more then Kyle to be right next to me holding me while I cry. I need a hug from him so badly :( I feel really bad because my Grandmom loved Kyle so much and I know that he wishes he could come home to pay respects to her. I will be flying home tomorrow night to be with my family all weekend and then come back Tuesday night. I'm not looking forward to how hectic it will be when I come back because I know I'll have a lot to cover from missing two days of classes.

I want to dedicate this blog to my Grandmom. She was the most amazing person I've ever known and was such a strong women. She's been through so much but always managed to stay strong. She was the only person that understood what I was going through with Kyle being deployed. My Grandfather was a colonel in the air force so my Grandmom lived the military wife lifestyle. She couldn't have been happier that I fell in love with a soldier. I know my Grandfather would have been so proud of me too, unfortunately he passed away right when Kyle and I began to date so he never got a chance to meet him. Both of my grandparents were two amazing people who I will never forget. They dedicated their later years of life to their grandchildren and wanted nothing more than for us to be happy. I'm lucky to have been loved by them. Rest in peace Grandmom, you'll be missed more than I can describe. Say hi to Grandpa for me <3

Get Back Up Again

Lately things have been ok for me. So far classes are going good and I'm keeping up with all my homework (actually doing the reading for once). I make time to go to the gym every night and then make sure to get a salad and yogurt for dinner. I've been drinking a TON of water as well. I'm really trying to stick to eating healthy and finally losing the rest of the weight. I want Kyle to come home and be amazed at how good I look :) He loves me the way that I am right now but I know if I lost some more weight I'd feel even better about myself and more comfortable with my body.

I decided to give in and finally read Dear John. It wasn't what I expected which is a good thing. I was worried that I'd be crying the whole time I read it but I only cried once; when she said goodbye to him at the airport. That totally hit home and brought back the images of saying goodbye to Kyle and leaving the airport by myself and going back to the hotel all alone. I'm hoping to muster up enough guts to go see the movie... it might take me a LONG time until I give in to that.

As for Kyle and I, we've been doing really great. Kyle has opened up to me some more since he's been gone and has been showing his emotions more. Everyday I get at least one really sweet text message from him and I save it on my phone. I plan on typing up all his text messages and saving them on my computer because whenever I read them all my worries go away. I have my up and down moments about missing him but they come and go. I'll allow myself to cry but then I realize that I need to be strong so I brush myself off and get back up again.

New Semester

So spring semester has officially begun at school. So far it doesn't seem that bad. Classes will definitely be somewhat easier this time around and I'm feeling really positive that I'll be able to bring up my GPA even higher. I'm beginning to get back into the routine of things. It's hard not having Kyle as part of that routine anymore since he's been part of it since the beginning of my freshman year. I decided to be "adventorous" today and headed downtown to apply for a job and read "Dear John". I grabbed lunch at Kyle and I's favorite sandwich place and read my book at our favorite coffee place. I hate to admit it but I cried at both places. I'm not used to going to these places alone and they remind me of him so much. It felt like he was right there next to me but when I look to my left or right... he's gone. It's hard filling that void in my life because nothing can replace him. I know it'll get easier but at this current moment everything seems hopeless. Kyle is currently on a training mission so I don't hear from him much during the day and we don't get our nightly webcam sessions. Every day that passes is one day closer to him leaving for Afghanistan. In less than a month and a half he'll be over there. Then all ties of communication will be completely cutoff and I will go weeks, even months without hearing from him. It scares me to think how I'm going to handle not hearing from him everyday. I need to know that he's safe and that he's doing ok. I hate feeling so vulnerable...

Learning Process

I feel like this deployment has been a whole learning process for Kyle and I. There's no manual on how to do this and there's no right things to say and what to do. I feel like sometimes I dig myself a hole with what I say to Kyle and only make things worse. I know he understands and that I just need time to figure out how to cope with all of this. I'm learning from my mistakes and allowing myself to become stronger. I know that our relationship will make it through the next 12 months. Some days are going to be tough and we're going to have our rough patches but the love we have for each other will keep us going. I'm sick of writing depressing blogs about how much I miss him... I'm going to be stronger. I need to... I HAVE to, I really have no choice. Getting upset everyday won't bring him home, I need to make the best of the next 12 months. I'm going to keep myself busy, bring up my grades, work out and lose the rest of the weight that I've been trying so hard to, get a weekend job, and actually reach out to friends for once. I hate to admit it but this relationship has taken away from me making friends while at school. Once I met Kyle after only being at college for 2 months I just latched onto him and didn't allow myself to make friends and have the true college experience. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier that I met Kyle and wouldn't want it any other way but I know that I would enjoy my college experience a lot more and not dread coming back to school if I had more friends here. I met my closest friends through class and only really hang out with them when we're studying together... it needs to change. I know it's going to take time to allow myself to reach out to others but I know it needs to be done. I don't want to graduate from college regretting that I never made took advantage of this time apart from Kyle.

Staying Positive

It's so hard to stay positive when the only updates I get about his deployment make me feel even worse! I can't go into detail because of OPSEC but things definitely don't look good right now. Communication between us will be at it's bare minimum... that's for sure. I'm hoping they'll be safe over there but from what it sounds like, things could get scary. At least he's excited about his mission, that brings relief to me that he's not going to be bored out of his mind while he's over there. I'm happy that they aren't leaving yet because I still get to call him and webcam with him but I kinda wish they were already there so I wouldn't have to wait to find out what's going to happen. It makes me worry so much and I know I shouldn't think about the future but when it's about this, it's impossible to not worry. I am extremely jealous of every military girlfriend or wife out there that got to talk to their soldier online or on the phone while they were gone... even webcam with them. I had my hopes up pretty high that I'd have that too so it made things seem not as bad. Now it's all been taken away from me and I feel like I have nothing positive to think about. I want good news... I'm so sick of hearing bad news!!

Love Hurts

As the days pass I feel like this is getting easier... until we webcam and I see his face and know that he can't be here next to me. It kills me so much, I want to grab him and kiss him and fall asleep next to him. But I can't because he's a hundred miles away and will be for a year. I hate this so much. I want to turn back time and pretend he never left. It's so unfair, I finally find someone that I love and loves me back and I can't be with him. I'm angry and I know I shouldn't be... I should just be proud and strong for him but it isn't that easy. I just want to close my eyes and wake up to him next to me... I'd do anything for him to be back. I need him so badly.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Lately I haven't allowed myself to cry over Kyle being gone. I worry that if I do break it's going to cause a downward spiral that will take a week to recover from. I'm saving the tears for when I go back to school. This deployment is going to test my emotions the most once I get back to school. Usually when I go back to school I'm either in the car with Kyle or he meets me at my school once we're all unpack. For the first time I'm not going to get either of those choices. My parents will drop me off and I will be left there without looking forward to seeing the man I love. I remember freshman year, before I met Kyle, I was miserable, I cried almost every night because I missed my family and had nothing to like about school. Once I met Kyle everything changed, he made it worth staying. Now that he's gone I know I'm not going to want to stay at school, I'm going to want to quit everything and run home. Unfortunately I don't have that option, I have to suck it up and deal with the semester alone. I plan to focus more on my classes, workout ALOT, and get a job during the weekends to fill the void of not being with Kyle. It's going to be hard not spending every weekend with him, not calling him when I'm having a bad day and have him come over to cheer me up, and to not go to Norwich anymore where I feel at home. I'm petrified to go back to school and face everything on my own without his support to keep me going. This deployment is going to test me and our relationship in so many different ways. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions that I'll be riding for the next year.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

I think it's funny how I know exactly who is reading my blog and they obviously know what I'm going through yet they don't have the decency to send even a little text asking how I'm doing. This deployment has already made me realize who my true friends really are. I know that even if I wasn't close to someone anymore and they were going through what I'm currently going through I would definitely be there for them. I might not call them and hang out with them but I'd offer my support. I say this SO many times and I'll say it again, I DON'T want a pity party... I just want people to actually give a shit for once in my life. What I'm going through is the hardest thing I've ever done and it would be a lot easier if people just cared a little. I feel like I wasted the past 20 years of my life on people who don't even matter anymore. I allowed my friends to walk all over me and yet when they needed someone and came to me I'd always be there for them. For those friends out there who are reading this and have yet to reach out to me... screw you. I know who my true friends are now and you're not one of them.

You're Not Alone

Sometimes I feel like I might miss Kyle more than he misses me because he puts up a front when it comes to being gone. When I asked him "Will you be ok not seeing me for almost a year?" he replied "Yes, I'll be fine. It'll be hard but I'll be fine". I'm not going to lie, it crushed me a little to hear how easy it sounded to be away from me. We got into a fight about two weeks ago because I told him that I feel like he isn't as much of a "mush" anymore these past few months and that he's slowly been drifting away. I know I was being selfish because it's much easier for him to leave and go off to war without thinking about how much he's going to miss me. It's easier for him to put up a front and be the tough guy because it'll help him in the end. I know he'll miss me... even if he doesn't tell me everyday.

Last night something happened that really opened up my eyes. Kyle called before he went to bed at about 11:15pm which we do every night. We talked until about 11:45pm and then we both got off the phone and got ready for bed. At 12:20am Kyle called me again and I automatically went into panic mode thinking something happened. I asked him what's wrong and he just told me that he couldn't sleep. I could hear it in his voice that something wasn't right. I asked him why he sounded so sad and he told me that he just really misses me and wants to be with me. He wanted to stay on the phone until he fell asleep because talking to me brings comfort to him. I almost broke down into tears because I was so touched by this. I know it's not a big deal but it meant a lot for him to open up like that and tell me how much it hurts him to be away from me. It made me realize that I'm not alone in this and that he misses me just as much. I can't give in and break down because I miss him because he's staying strong while going through the same thing... it's even worse for him because of the situation he's in. I feel like each and everyday that passes of this deployment it gets easier and our love grows even more.

Why now?

I feel like everything is going wrong for me right now. I come home and all I want to do is hang out with my friends and family and my stupid car won't work. Something is either wrong with the battery or alternator and my Dad wants me to get new front tires as well as new brake pads. I love my car but I can't afford to dish out a lot of money right now. I don't work during school so I don't have a constant income. Plus everyone is either at work or school so I'm home alone in this house. My parents give me chores because they expect me to have no life so even if I did want to go out I can't because I have to get everything done for them. I just want to enjoy my break but instead I'm ready to go back to school and get the hell away from all of this. If Kyle was home I'd be spending my break with him and enjoying every second of it. Why does everything have to go wrong... why now?

Left My Heart in Vermont

So today my family and I left our Vermont house to go back home to New Jersey. This may sound really weird but I was so upset to leave Vermont. I spent my last week with Kyle in Vermont at that house so there's a lot of things that remind me of him there. His jeep is even parked in our garage. Every time I see that jeep I get excited because it means that Kyle is around. He even left me his favorite sweatshirt that he wears as his jacket... I will not wash it until he comes home so I can still smell him.

I got really emotional on the car ride home but hid my tears from my parents. I didn't want to explain to them why I'm crying because they expect me to get over Kyle leaving very fast. That I should be able to go on with my daily life and not let it affect me at all. I have to hide how I'm really feeling because I know that if they see me upset they will dislike Kyle being in the Army even more.

I hide my feelings from almost everyone because I can't bare to talk about it because no one understands. None of my friends know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone in the military and how loving someone can be so painful at times. How it feels to have to say goodbye to the person you love more than anything and not know when you'll be seeing them again and whether they will be safe. It's the fear of the unknown that makes things so much worse.

Luckily I do have a few military girlfriends that I've met via the internet and some from Kyle's unit that I am able to talk to. It is the biggest relief in the world to be able to relate to someone and have them know exactly what it's like. I can vent to them about how I am feeling and they are able to give me advice that really does help. Talking to someone who is going through or went through what I'm currently dealing with makes things so much easier. I couldn't tell those ladies enough how much I appreciate them for supporting me and helping me through this. I feel much less alone when I have them to talk to.

Final Goodbyes

This morning Kyle and I said goodbye for the final time. Kyle was given holiday leave and we were able to spend about a week together one last time. I had such an amazing time with him and couldn't be happier with how it turned out. We spent most of our time with my family at our Vermont house but spent the last night in a hotel so we could be alone. Last night couldn't have gone any better, it really was perfect. We ended up not going to bed because we had to leave for the airport at 4:30am. I don't think I could bring myself to go to sleep anyways when I want to spend every second awake with him. Surprisingly the airport was PACKED but I was able to get a guest pass and go through security to say goodbye to him at the gate. It broke my heart knowing that this would be the last time I'd be in his arms for at least 6 months. Watching him leave felt like we had just broken up because of how much it hurt to say goodbye. I left the airport and went back to the hotel and slept until I had to catch my train back to my Vermont house. It was really hard to go back to the hotel room that we spent all night in and sleep in the same bed. I could still smell him as if he was sleeping next to me.