Come Home To Me

I wrote this poem about when my fiance came home for R&R and we had to say goodbye one last time. It was definitely the most painful goodbye of them all.

Come Home To Me

We stood there, our bodies as one
The electricity ran through us like fire
This moment, we cherished every second
The way your disheveled hair is so perfect
The way my hand fits so easily in yours

I lay my head in the nook of your shoulder
I can smell your skin, your cologne, your breath
All I can think about is the memories being made without you
How each minute with feel like a lifetime
How each night will be spent next to an empty pillow

I glance to my left, there stands a woman wiping a tear
She feels my pain as if I was screaming at the top of my lungs
She sees the weakness in my legs, the heartache in my face
She watched me hold his face in my hands, remembering every inch of it
She saw him catch a tear of mine and bring it to his lips

It’s at that moment that they call his row
We kiss one last time, knowing it may be our last forever
His hand slips out of mine, my heart slowly breaks
I watch him walk on that plane while I stand there, vulnerable
He’s off to fight a war, while I fight the war within

Soldier's Love Song

You're my hero
Soldier Saint and Soulmate
You're the strongest man
You hold the world and my heart in your hands
You keep me safe from an ocean away
Now I only wish that I could do the same


If you go who will save my soul
Who will be my friend
Who will I console?
If you go who will love me more
Who will wake me up
What will I live for
And if you rise
to heaven before your time
Ask God to speed up mine
Put me at the front of the line
Cause if you go I just don't know.


I'd never find another lover
even if I had to.
Cause I swear to God that I was made for you
Your body is a work of art
My pillow is your shoulder
And i love you oh i love you, i love you
I love you all over
Your the bravest man
Please stay alive for as long as you can.


If you go who will save my soul
Who will be my friend
Who will I console?
If you go who will love me more
Who will wake me up
What will I live for
And if you rise
to heaven before your time
Ask God to speed up mine
Put me at the front of the line
Cause if you go I just don't know.

Donut of Misery

We've got less than 2 and a half months left of this deployment. Time will eventually begin to drag on but right now it's still flying by. School and work has been keeping me very busy. Classes don't seem too bad... yet and I love my new job. The managers are great as are all the other servers I work with. PLUS the kitchen isn't full of a bunch of creepers :)

Two weekends ago I went to a Yellow Ribbon Event to prepare us for their homecoming. It was very overwhelming to say the least. Hearing stories from wives who have already gone through deployments kinda scared the crap out of me. Some said it took over a year to have things back to normal. I feel like Kyle and I are in such a different situation though... he's not coming home to a wife, children, and a house. I'm really nervous about him coming home and making sure I have time for him. This past year has been a routine of doing things on my own and being very independent. I'm a full-time student with a part-time job... I never had a job when Kyle was around. I don't plan on just quitting my job once he comes home nor does he expect me to. We have to learn how to juggle things in life because it's only going to get harder and more complicated.

I know that we'll be able to make everything work though. Luckily he has a 30 day leave when he first comes home. This will give him time to get adjusted to being home again and for us to spend time together. His leave falls right around my winter break which is perfect. I won't have to worry about studying for exams or going to classes. We plan on spending most of our time in Vermont with each other. Eventually reality will sink in and I'll have to go back to classes and he'll have to leave for various military schools but I'm not worried about it. We've made it through a whole year of not seeing each other... a few weeks will be a piece of cake.

9 months down!!

I've been a terrible blogger when it comes to updating. For awhile I was doing really well keeping updates and just venting about my issues. The last time I made a blog we were 4 months down of this deployment. As of today we are about 9 months... where did time go!? It feels like just yesterday I was holding onto him and crying at the going away ceremony, feeling like my whole world was crashing down on me. A few days ago I decided to read emails that I sent to Kyle right after he left. I was a complete mess, apologizing for every tear that I cried and promising him that I would be strong because at that moment, I was as weak as they get.

Today I can 100% say that I am a changed woman. I am stronger than ever and so much more independent. I don't rely on Kyle to always make me happy, I've realized that I have to make myself happy first. I still have my moments but I just get right back up, brush myself off and go along with my day. I've realized that crying isn't going to bring him home, it's only going to make things harder for us. I just have to accept what life has decided to hand us and enjoy the ride.

The main reason why this deployment has been a lot easier than I expected is because of Kyle. He has been extremely dedicated to this relationship while he's been over there. Everyday he is busy with some kind of mission or task but he still manages to get that phone call in right before he goes to bed just to hear my voice before he goes to bed. There was a period where I would only get a phone call every week but even then, I wasn't really struggling. I just try to keep myself as busy and involved as possible. It's really the only way to make time fly by.

Recently they were told that they are officially under the 100 day mark. New faces will be showing up taking their place and they'll have to start packing up and sending stuff home. I can't wait for the day that they don't have any more missions. Lately the missions have been the most dangerous ones yet and I just spend the day freaking out waiting for that phone call to know he's ok. Lately all I can think about is that moment that I see him again and that his arms are wrapped around me. We still got a few months left but I know that they are going to fly by.

In two months Kyle and I will have been together for 3 years. During our 2 year anniversary Kyle was away training for the deployment and by our 3 year anniversary he should be preparing to come home. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that we literally spent a whole year of our relationship away from each other but it really doesn't feel like that. Our relationship has grown to a whole nother level because of this deployment. We have never been more in love and appreciative of each other than now. He's still my mushy man even when he's a million miles away in a war zone. He still knows how to make me smile and laugh until I cry.

I'm ending my post with a picture of Kyle and his squad right after their biggest and most successful mission. He's the one in the back second from the left with the biggest grin ever on his face. Happy much? :)

Life As A Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

Update

I've been really bad at this whole "blog" thing lately. The past few weeks school has completely consumed my life. Every night I was either studying for an exam, writing a paper, or doing a project. Today I had my last exam until finals... which means 3 weeks of FREEDOM! Which will be spent working out, catching up on reading for my classes, studying ahead of time for finals, and watching Army Wives :)

This past weekend was my 21st birthday. I decided to go home because I knew it was the best way for me to really enjoy my birthday. I was able to spend it with my family at a NJ Devils playoff game and a night in Atlantic City drinking and gambling. I really did have such a great time. It was hard to not have Kyle there with me... every second I was thinking "Kyle would be having so much fun with us" but I just tried to stay positive.

We're already past 4 months of this deployment. It's hard to believe that 4 months ago they left... everything seemed like it was falling apart at that moment. I would have never imagined that it would have turned out like this. I have grown to become a much more independent person and I don't have to rely on Kyle to be the only thing to make me happy. I've gained some great friends and have been able to put more time into my school work. I've also been able to get back into my workout routine and lose some weight again before he comes.

Most importantly Kyle and I's relationship has grown so much. Our relationship is stronger than ever right now. This deployment has only made us feel even more confident that what we're doing... is the right thing for not only our country but for ourselves as well. I truly believe that we really are meant to be together and nothing will get in the way of that. He may be a million miles away but at the end of the day, he's with me every second of the way.

I am so proud of him for what he's doing right now. Every time I read more news about the VT National Guard making such a huge impact over there I feel so proud to be in love with one of those soldiers. I know he's going through a lot right now and has a lot on his shoulders. He rarely gets enough sleep, eats food that actually tastes good, or get to shower often but not once does he complain. Every time I talk to him he always sounds happy and to be enjoying himself over there. This really is what he loves to do and nothing will take away from that.

I miss you

"I hope you're able to fall asleep" -- Me
"I'll just pretend you're sleeping next to me, I do it all the time" -- Kyle

It's little things like that that make me miss him the most.